| | Graeme,
I think I have figured it out. The majority of it at
least. You've known me for 5 years now. You've known about the major
events in my life and some of the details along the way. Most of the
past five years have been a struggle for me. A fight against temptation
and a desperate attempt to rediscover what it means to have a genuine
relationship with our Father in heaven. Often times I end up angry,
lost and bitterly removed from my faith despite my attempts or
non-attempts. I've never been able to figure out what it was until this
weekend when for the first time I felt different.
This weekend one of my best friends got married. They are both
Christians and are friends with all of the people I am dearly close to.
One thing about my life is that I have wonderful amazing friends, but
they are unfortunately scattered all over the world. Korea, NY, San
Diego etc. and ever since high school ended and we all went our
separate ways; things haven't been the same. Almost right after I
graduated high school I was in YWAM. Then I returned to an empty home
town and have not left here since. Then I dated Clay and we all know
how that ended, then there was Mike and the downward spiral that became
my life for years afterwards. I always attributed the problems I have
now to my time spent in YWAM. "I've never been the same since YWAM."
But I wonder now Graeme if it goes back further then that.
The times in my life that I have been the happiest is when I have
had close fellowship with other believers. True connections with people
who are here with me. People that know me and people I can walk through
my life and my faith with. I don't have that. I have it in bits and
pieces and so what do I do? I fill those voids with empty, worldly things. Neurotic hours of studying, throwing
myself into nursing. All the while convincing myself that this
stressful life is what I want, but in the back of my mind I know...I
seek it out because it is my coping mechanism. All of the empty things
I fill my life with are coping mechanisms because I have no Christian
fellowship.
Going back to the wedding. This weekend practically every person
that is like family to me was in the same place for 3-4 days. This
weekend was filled with fellowship, conversation, lots of laughter,
prayer and it gave me a feeling of joy, peace and hope that I
have not felt since before things went bad with Mike...and maybe even
before that. I felt like a different person because everyone was home
and I didn't feel isolated, alone and lost. I felt like despite my
crappy hours, final exams...my insane family and internal struggles; I
was a different person and it was all going to be okay because they
were all here to share in that with me. It didn't matter that life was
crappy because everyone was home. My family was home.
You know better then anyone that I am leaps and bounds away from where I stood 3 years ago, but staying away from sin on a physical level isn't really the point. The point is that my faith is still suffering, sinful lifestyle or not. I would bet my life that if I had that kind of consistent
fellowship I wouldn't end up hanging out primarily with work people. I
wouldn't smoke half a pack of cigarettes a day. I wouldn't be tempted
to settle for relationships with guys that I shouldn't be with. This is the problem Graeme and I don't know if it is solvable right
now. I have to finish school and I have to work in order to do that. My
schedule leaves no time for fellowship and the people I truly want to
be around are all over the place. Building new relationships, even if I
did have the time sounds really stressful and tiring. I am not one to
make life long friends too easily. Often times I think a spouse would
help in this but I'm not totally sure thats the case or at least I
don't want to be naive enough to believe it is. Also once again, when
would I have the time to meet anyone anyways. I'm not very good at
opening my heart to people. Especially considering my past.
I wonder how many other believers are in the same shoes Graeme? I
wonder how many people have fallen away from their faith simply because
they had no one to physically be there when things went wrong or got
tough?
I'm interested in what you have heard from others on the subject.
Andrea
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| | Posted 7/1/2008 5:37 PM - 14 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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